The idea of having a soulmate is a wildly controversial topic for people who are looking for love.
Even if we don’t want to admit it, we often want to believe that there is someone out there who will love us no matter what we do, what we look like or what we say. We want to find “The One” – the person who provides us a source of unparallelled happiness, sunshine, rainbows and all that crap. Even if we acknowledge as logical people that this is completely insane, we still hold out hope that someone exists who will fill the gap in our heart that we have left open for love. Aww.
Isn’t that the point of love? To make our life a little bit easier?
Spoiler alert: If you think that another person exists in this world to bring you unending happiness and a stress-free existence, you’re screwed. But I would never leave you without at least a little hope. And actually, there is a LOT of hope.
A few years ago, after a terrible breakup, I realized that I DO have someone who makes me completely happy. This person makes me feel loved and appreciated and cared for. They think I’m beautiful in my sweatpants and they’ll always be there for me – even if I get old and wrinkly and weird-looking. We all do.
I am my own soulmate.
Yes, that is exactly as tacky as it sounds – and it’s true.
My perspective changed after watching “Jerry Maguire” on late-night TV. The line “You complete me” really ruined the whole movie, and has possibly tainted every relationship since 1996. But it defined my mantra for dating and love, and that mantra has helped me find and stay in good relationships (and get out of the ones that weren’t healthy).
“I am a whole, looking for another whole.”
When this is true, I am accountable not only to being my best self in a relationship, but creating a partnership with someone who brings his/her whole self to the relationship. You don’t “need” each other, but we lean on each other, love each other and can let go without feeling empty when the relationship is no longer right.
So how does this look in real life?


Your “soulmate” is a reflection of who you really are. Your Self. As you connect more with your soul, you will attract things into your life that line up with what makes you happy. By doing more of what you love, you will naturally exude confidence, which is incredibly attractive. But this takes work. And each person needs drastically different kinds of work. I’ve seen people make friends with themselves and then fall in love with themselves through yoga, meditation, hobbies, exercise and therapy. But it isn’t always easy. Find what you love and do more of that. Remember the moments when you were happy and healthy and do more of those things. Ask for help, if you need support.


There is nothing more attractive than someone who is confident, strong and goes for what she wants. You’ll inevitably attract an amazing partner into your life who has these same qualities. But a great partner isn’t someone who just loves you no matter what you do or say. They will challenge you. They will call you out when you’re being ridiculous and they will have high expectations of you as a partner, because they know they deserve it. Be open to change and be a force of positive transformations in each other’s lives. Soulmates and partners come in and out of our lives and (hopefully) bring out the best in us. But even the best partners aren’t meant to be in your life forever. They are lessons we need to learn. Sometimes they are people we connect with for a short period of time and need to let go of as our lives change. Let that happen! A soulmate needs to be willing to leave if it is best for both partners, and we need to be ready to let go.


Humans are weird and complex and mysterious. There are no two people who could possibly share all of our interests (love the same foods, be turned on by the same things in bed, etc). That is why we aren’t required to only spend time with our partners. The biggest false truth about soulmates is that your partner will love everything you love. They won’t. Create a collage of people in your life who make your life interesting and complete for different reasons. My sister is one of my soulmates. My friends Annie, Amy, Louisa and Margo are my soulmates. My exes are totally my soulmates too. Soulmates are everywhere! Your partner is just one of them.


I actually do believe that there is one person that, over time, becomes your perfect match. You have to argue and compromise and cry to get to the point where your hearts are fused together, but I think it can happen. Real and lasting love is a reality for so many couples. I see them everywhere in matching track suits. But the ironic part is, you have no way of realizing they are your soulmate until the very end. And I apologize for how morose this is, but on my deathbed, I want to look up and see that person who I didn’t want to go on a fourth date with, bickered with about who would go to the grocery store, lost to in chess, and ended up creating a pretty good life with, and say… “Really – you? I guess you’re my soulmate or whatever.”
There’s really no way of knowing that they’re you’re soulmate until that point – so just relax. Do your best and be awesome. 
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